yesterday I went to Erawan Falls here in kanchaniburi. i went with the canadian couple, and with beautiful 6'1" dutch woman who works at a dutch weed bar or "coffee shop" as they call them.
i'm getting a grip on saying numbers in thai. its fun to use and the vendors love it. this keyboard sucks so im not going to write too much... :(
on wed we planned on taking an all day tour of the area, arranged by the guest house. in a way it feels teenager-ish, the planning and seeing who goes where and will i be stuck with this group all day and oh i hope she comes along.
like last week when erwin and i were out drinking with charlottle. having three there is always a couple and an outsider. erwin has 'spark' and is engaging, more so than i am. i thought something was forming between them during some parts of the evening. when we got in our taxi in front of her hotel, she leaned in for what looked like a kiss, and I thought hmm. interesting. then I got in and she kissed me on the lips, too. it felt highschoolish, but hey - maybe thats where i'm at, developmentally.
when i try to think and be conscious of my feelings, i realize i feel nervous much of the time. scared. sometimes i feel like a boy in an adult's world. i am always absorbing, rarely emitting. i mostly listen and when the opportunity arises i feel like i dont have much to say. i come back to my childhood sometimes on this trip. times at grandma's house in mount angel. those were good times. the exposure to nature in the yard and the field, the soft cloth of the clothes people wear, the summertime.
i feel like somehow ive been shocked, when i was young. emotionally scared out of my wits into a state of arrested development. frozen in time. (insert twilight zone music here). so that i only feel things when im forced to. in an emergency. when i have to act or die. then put me into a place of peace and opportunity and i dont know what to do. i feel numb. as i write this i feel happy and glad for the money i have for my trip and for my friends at home who have been so supportive and caring.
"Im", the dutch dope dealer
i think i'll be on my own today. which is good. i have to find a place to get new Tivas, develop my first instant camera, and mail a couple postcards.
i rented a scooter today. its SO FUN! reminds me of having the YZF600.
if you want to, send me an iPod. I could use some music.
"I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and the sky It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind"