-quote- You are cautious and watchful around others, unconsciously fearing that you will be abused or abandoned if you open yourself up. You keep your distance in order to protect yourself. Wary of new situations and people, you hold back until you are absolutely sure it is safe. When you open up to others, you are so sensitive to any signs of rejection or verbal assault that you are quick to withdraw. You interpret any negative reactions as confirmation of your belief that others can't be trusted and that it's best to keep to yourself.

The extreme cautiousness makes it hard for you to share your feelings. You first test how someone will react to you and then choose what you say very carefully. You find yourself telling people what you think they want to hear rather than how you truely feel or what you really think. You quality much of what you say with words like "probably, "maybe," or "I'm not sure..." You often ask others for their preference when you really have your own.

"My husband tells me that I never tell him what I like or what I want," says Jeri, one of my patients. "And he's right - I do keep my feelings to myself. I'm afraid he'll get upset if I tell him. For example, he'd be furious if I told him how lonely I get when he's out playing golf." Jeni's distrust and caution keep her safe but terribly unhappy.

Most of what you say is filtered through this veil of cautiousness. Rarely if ever do you make a stand or assert yourself. Ever vigilant, you fear that the next thingthe other person says or does might be abusive, or that he will reject or abandon you, so you adapt your behaviour accordingly.

You define people in black-and-white terms: either they can be trusted or the can't. If you do let yourself trust, you are always on the lookout for a violation of that trust. After all, your trust was so often violated as a child. Since you are always expecting a lapse, you will, in all likelihood, find it before long. -end quote-