im 30 years old. i feel like im perpetually 20 years old. in some ways its like ive stopped learning. i wish i could put more of the thought in my head into the keyboard, but my thoughts are usually very fleeting.

i went to the ptp weekly meeting tonight. that was fun. it was after aikido. its funny how different people have a completely different image of me. for instance during aikido class i tend to be very docile, i forget things very easily. during sparing we have a given move and you do it on the left side then on the right side, then left, then right. 75% of the time after each move i forget where we are in the pattern.

This memory loss is an interesting phenomenon. it has to do with fear and anxiety. as if the moment were so important to not screw up that all other memory is let go, marked as irrelevant. I described it to Andrew once as follows: sometimes, more of the time than i like to admit, life feels like a hallway. like the one in psycho with those twin little girls at the end, except the twins are not there. Im running down the hallway in terror, calculating how fast i can go and still turn the corner, wondering what frightful thing might be on the other side. and yet the way most people interact is by talking about the patterns on the wall paper. i dont have an opinion about the patterns on the wall paper because i was running for my life! the situation of the moment was the only thing that was important - getting down the hallway - that the other details are not noticed or lost.

flying rhino, the people who gave me a job for the last month and a half said, finally, that they dont have any more work for me. im back full-hog on the no income bandwagon.

last week's aikido i got a scab on my foot from sliding around the mat a lot. this time it rubbed open and with 10 minutes to go in the class, someone noticed i was getting bits of blood on the mat. when i signed up there wes a whole sheet on what to do if blood got on the mat. the other two students i was with were very nice about knowing what to do and cleaning up the spots on the mat while i taped up my foot. it was embarassing to see that there were maybe 10 places where i had gotten a little bit of blood on the mat.

i havent read cryptonomicon for a few days. i need to pick that up again. im on page 628.

"I opened my eyes, and looked up at the rain. and it dripped into my head and poured into my brain. so pardon the wild crazy thing i just said. I just think the same, since there's rain in my head.

I walk kind of careful. I turn around slow. I cant run or jump cause I might overflow! And all that I hear, as i lie in my bed, is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head." Shel Silverstein